Dear Crabby's List of Badness

There are many, many, MANY things that I love. I love fall, and that first chilly morning that actually smells like the seasons are changing. I love all furry creatures and will most likely meet my end by trying to hug something that might not necessarily want my hug (a lion, a tiger, a bear- Oh My!). I love delicious food that I don’t have to cook. I love “The Office” and really high-quality chocolate.

On the other side of the coin, my list of pet peeves is quite long. I’ll admit it – I’m curmudgeonly and impatient. The things below might (Read: WILL) illicit one or more of the following responses: A raised eyebrow, a sigh of impatience, an eye roll, a not-so-quiet exclamation of “Seriously? What the heck?!” or, if I’m driving, several unprintable words. For the sake of brevity (sorry if you’re not into the whole brevity thing), I’ll limit myself to the top five Dear Crabby pet peeves, in no particular order.

  • Slow drivers - If the speed limit on 18thStreet is 35 MPH, then GO 35. Not 30, definitely not 25. I have a horn, and I’m not afraid to use it. On a related note, people who do not know how a four-way stop works need to learn ASAP.

  • Bad performance attendees - DO NOT TALK (this includes whispering) during any kind of performance. Ever. Whether it’s a guest lecture, a theatre performance or a music performance, these folks have worked hard to present something for your enjoyment. Give them the respect they deserve by shutting up for an hour or so. Turn your freakin’ phone off and keep your babies quiet. I do not hesitate to shush people around me and give nasty looks to people who violate the silence rule.

  • Reality TV - I mean, come on. It’s all scripted, and most of it just creates terrible role models and unrealistic expectations. People want to be famous so badly that they get dropped off in the middle of the wilderness NAKED. Or have to be around the Kardashians. I’m not sure which is worse.

  • Sucky people - this is an umbrella term that includes but is not limited to: People who make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better, people who leave dirty diapers in parking lots, line cutters, moochers, self-important people, people who are rude to retail\food service workers, vague bookers, people who “borrow” pens and never give them back, people who like to embarrass introverts, people who don’t take care of their pets (SUPER sucky people) and double dippers.

  • Crappy internet connection. Enough said.

If I work up some gumption, I might work these (and more!) into a song parody worthy of a bizarro Maria Von Trapp: “These are a few of my least favorite things”… I’ll sing it proudly under the pergola. If I hear you talking while I’m singing, you’re on my list.

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